From Glad to Sad to Mad and Back Again

I'm glad to report I had a terrific colonoscopy yesterday!  YAY!  No, seriously, I was really happy to participate in this little procedure since it's the only way to really know what's going on in there.  As with most things, there's good news and bad.  Good news: the inflammation is limited to the last 20 cm (about 8 inches) of my digestive tract.  Bad news: that last 20 cm looks pretty bad.  Ulceration, bleeding, mucus--it's pretty icky.  Good news: increasing the meds that have a systemic effect (i.e. prednisone) probably isn't warranted.  Bad news: Making enemas and suppositories a regular part of my regimen probably IS warranted.  Good news: At least there's something different I can try.  Bad news: I've actually used these treatments before, to little effect.  All that, plus, no sign of the worms on that colonoscopy.  That was a big disappointment, even though I should have already known, since my stool sample tested negative.

I wore my "I (heart) Nancy's :" t-shirt to the endoscopy clinic and was really pleased that all the staff appreciated the joke. A few people in the waiting room glanced at me like I'm nuts, but hey, I probably am a little nuts, so that's okay.

As an aside to any readers who are "of age" for colon cancer screening: I've done it four times now, and I'm here to tell you this procedure is NO BIG DEAL and is a much better way to go than to put yourself at risk for colon cancer.  No, it's not pleasant.  Sure, the prep sucks.  Yes, it's a little difficult to willingly put yourself in such a vulnerable position.  But the drugs are pretty good, and seriously, it's so much better than even the risk of colon cancer.  So go get yerself checked, people.  

I spent a little time this a.m. looking back over my posts on this blog, and I am just completely overwhelmed with sadness.  What a waste.  All that time, I was so hopeful, cracking jokes about "the Union," talking about how I had to step it up in my eating habits to help those worms along, etc. All that, and come to find out, nearly 6 months later, those little guys were never there in the first place.  After spending about 9 months setting up this treatment, scheduling travel to one foreign country, cancelling that, re-scheduling on short notice to another foreign country, feeling like crap this whole time....

Mother-f***er.   Arrrrgh.  (Oops.  Looks like I just slipped from "sad" to "mad.")  OK.  Gotta come to terms with it.  "Mad" is not a good place for me to be.  Sigh.  Alright.  Take a deep breath.  Stay focused on "what now?" You can do this. 

I'm not done with this treatment, even though I don't know why it didn't work out the first time, and even though I'm having a heck of a time getting the next treatment set up.  I don't think it's the worms' fault this hasn't worked out so far; I think that responsibility lies strictly in the realm of us humans.  So I'm going to keep forging ahead, and hoping that in ANOTHER 6 months, I have better news to report.  (god, seriously? ANOTHER 6 months?)

Ok. Better to just admit it.  This is a pretty "down" day and I'm not going to be able to talk myself out of feeling really bummed.  Even though I'm wearing the t-shirt, truth is, I don't really love my colon so much just now.  I'll just check in again when I'm in a better place...